Happy Birthday to Us

(Setting: The Yellow House Briefing Room. The room is a mix of a stately
Federalist-style reception hall and television talk show studio. The
President of the Free World, the dominant country on Earth, is about to make
a special announcement to his constituents across the globe. A group of
about 30 journalists are assembled there to witness the President's speech,
along with some television cameras.)

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, The President of the Free World. Please

(Enter, stage right, the President of the Free World. He looks past the
small crowd of journalists present in the briefing room and waves as if
greeting a much larger crowd behind them, a crowd that we can see is that
simply isn't there. He then sits down at a desk that faces the crowd. He
gently indicates to the crowd, both real and imaginary, to sit down as well
through small reassuring hand gestures. A large television camera is rolled
into position directly in front of the President, blocking the view of most
of the people assembled in the room. He picks up some blank sheets of paper
before him and then begins reading from a teleprompter located behind the
camera. The President begins to speak, slowly, carefully while wearing a
slight grin--"a twinkle in his eye.")

Mr. President: Good evening, people of the Free World. I come to you today
to sit down and speak with you about the importance of a resource so
precious, so sacred, we all must do our part to ensure people everywhere are
able to enjoy that resource.

As the leader of the free world, I have decided that from this day forward,
every day is your birthday. That's right--every day is your birthday.
Every day is my birthday. Every day is our birthday, and every day will
remain our birthday so as long as we remain free.

I promise to make each new day a birthday for all freedom-loving people of
the The Free World. Every day will be an opportunity for rebirth, for
spiritual renewal, for love and joy and singing happy birthday and bringing
that wonderful melody to all the people of the world who are not so
fortunate as to be allowed to make every day their birthday.

(reassuringly) So today is your birthday. Every day is your birthday.
Today is my birthday. Every day is my birthday. Happy Birthday to
everyone. Happy birthday to the Free World.

I want to wish happy birthday today to Elmira Campbell of Lexington,
Kentucky. Happy birthday to Carlito Guenaras of Conception, Paraguay.
Happy birthday to Albrecht Pfeifer of Obertraun, Austria. Happy birthday to
Hatta Sudiro of Salatiga, Indonesia. Happy birthday to Joabim Mercado of
Sao Paolo, Brazil. Happy birthday to Ntele Shimango of Benin, Nigeria. To
Isaac Schomberg of Jenin, Israel. To Patrick MacPherson of Glasgow,
Scotland. Yes, happy birthday to all of us. I wish each and every one of
us all a happy birthday.

(indignence) For some, however, each day means bearing the heavy burden of
not having the freedom to make every day their birthday. For Zeng Xiaodao of
Shanghai, it is not his birthday today. He is 64 years and 231 days today.
Neither is it the birthday of Tariq el-Aziz of Basra, Iraq. He is 32 years,
21 days old today. And then there's little Juanita Santiago of Buenovanita,
Colombia, who will go to bed never never having the freedom today to hear
the sweet tones of the "Happy Birthday" song. Juanita is 9 years, 137 days
old today.

It will be our mission, then, as a free people, as citizens of the Free
World, to bring freedom and birthdays to every man woman and child on this
God-given great Earth. After all, who could possibly say no to birthdays?
What sort of evil hate-filled soul could dare spoil the wonder of
celebrating a birthday? Let us not kid ourselves. Such people are among
us, lurking in the shadows of the Free World, doing everything in their
power to prevent all human being from celebrating their birthdays every day.

We as a free people at this moment resolve to make sure that everyone has
the right to be free to celebrate his birthday every day. We must rise from
the ashes of yesterday's tragedies and stand poised on the brink of a
glorious new day for the whole world. We must be ready to face the
challenge of bringing birthdays to all nations and all peoples, of every
creed, color, and tongue--even those who have never experienced the joys of
tearing open brightly colored gift paper, of extinguishing the fires of
gently burning birthday candles, of slicing open a birthday cake still warm
from the oven, of taking that first moist bite, of hearing even the first
notes of the greatest song of freedom: Happy Birthday. We must ask
ourselves, then, not whether the Free World can sing happy birthday to us,
but whether we can sing the Free World happy birthday.

(The president then stands, loosens his tie and begins to sing and dance,
Broadway style...)

So happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to me and you.
Happy birthday to us.

We are glad to be free.
It's a birthday for me.
It's the birthday of humanity.
It's our birthday, can't you see?

Why do so many people fuss?
Why do so many spit and cuss?
Why not hop on the birthday bus?
Happy birthday to us.

When the morning brings the sun,
Its warm ra-di-a-tion,
Birthdays free or by a gentle gun.
Your birthday freedom is hard-won.

So it's a great day to be free.
Let's hang evil from a tree.
Birthdays set the whole world free.
So happy birthday from me.

So happy birthday to me.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to me and you.
Happy birthday to us.

(Sits down again, straightens his tie, and returns to his speech-making

Thank you, God bless, and happy birthday.


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